Tiffany Klein Wightman, MD, FAAP
Wellness Ambassador, Borel Middle School

Over the last couple of years, adolescents have had to overcome a variety of challenging external circumstances. We have all had to cope with uncertain times. We have also seen a lot of conflicts. Conflict arises from differences. Differences are a normal part of healthy relationships. We can’t be expected to agree on everything all the time. However, when a conflict triggers strong emotions, there is often an unmet need at the core: A need to feel safe and secure, respected and valued, and a need to feel close to others. It makes sense that we all have unmet needs as this has been a two-year circle of compounded grief. Given the complexity of circumstances, it is overwhelming to mentally process. In order to cope, we end up oversimplifying or blaming others. These are divisive times. In adolescents, there seems to be an overall loss of kindness, compassion, and humanity. The last thing we need is more stress and less connection to one another. Tapping into empathy can help. Cultivating compassion reduces stress so that we can think and function effectively. Recognizing our own strong emotions is key. Many people ignore difficult emotions like anger. But our ability to manage conflict depends on our ability to manage our internal lives, including our emotions. 

Feelings and emotions play a major role in our interactions with others. Conflict triggers a stress response of Fight (anger, resistance, blame), Flight (avoiding certain people, withdrawal of love), and Freeze (numbing, apathy, “I don’t care”). People no longer say things under their breath, there is less capacity to cope. We now say things out loud and to each other. Heated conversations at school and at home create more stress, anger, and division. 

The most commonly used tactics for having high-stakes conversations are also the least effective for conflict resolution. Some of these tactics include arguing, shaming, and threatening. Strangely, arguing and fighting can become a habit loop. The element that keeps this going is actually an adrenaline rush. It can feel good to vent and yell at people when we are angry. But it doesn’t help. Arguing facts does not change anyone’s mind. People change their minds on their own time, in supportive environments. Shaming others by belittling, labeling, and calling names only puts people on the defensive. When backed into a corner, people will fight, because there is no way out. Attacking areas of personal sensitivity or laughing at others can cause irreparable rifts and resentment. 

A lack of understanding of different needs is often at the heart of bitter disputes. Everyone has a story. You never know what emotions people carry to school with them every day. The first step toward building understanding and improving relationships is to look within ourselves. We must consider what is going on for us inside, where our anger is coming from. What are the feelings underneath the anger? If we can pause and get curious without judgment, we discover more vulnerable feelings such as grief, sorrow, fear, anxiety, helplessness, and feeling out of control. Anger covers these feelings like a blanket, protecting us by creating distance between ourselves and others. Anger pushes away these difficult, vulnerable feelings. Of course, ultimately, anger causes more suffering than feeling the actual deeper emotions. 

Anger is understandable. Grief and loss are never fair. There is resistance, a loss of safety, and agency over our lives. A feeling of fear or dread for the unknown leads to anger. Sorrow or sadness for ourselves or others brings out anger. When we peel back the layers of anger, we can start to understand it, and build empathy for the human experience and for others who might be feeling the same way. We can move away from debates involving intensity, looking for weaknesses in others, and listening with the intent to defend our own opinion. We can move toward dialogue involving the intent to understand, look for shared meaning, and listen without judgment. 

When we understand our own emotions, we can see our intentions more clearly. Better understanding leads to a sense of control and safety. If we practice staying in control of our emotions, we will have an easier time communicating our needs without fighting and threatening others. By avoiding disrespectful words and actions, we can move faster through problems. Recognizing our own anger will allow us to recognize it in others and build empathy. We can get curious and consider that there may be vulnerable feelings underneath someone else's behavior. We can think along the lines of open-ended questions instead of comments to build understanding. We can give others a way out when we notice anger arising. We can make it safe to listen instead of putting up defenses and getting nowhere. Instead of listening for flaws in reasoning and a place to jump in and make a point, listen for the feelings that are being expressed. 

The ongoing anger, pushback, and resistance to our own true feelings, prove to be tiring and stressful. We have to be intentional about understanding and moving through our emotions in order to move forward. It is important to complete the whole cycle. After an intense conversation or conflict, take a break from the adrenaline rush. Pause and come down from the charged emotions. Take time to shift gears and recover. When feeling the urge to fight and argue, understand your emotions and reach out for support instead of lashing out at others. Consider the right time and place to have a meaningful and constructive conversation. Practice talking ourselves down to a calm state of mind where we can see clearly and understand the layers underneath the anger. Arguments and fights are really the trauma talking. Conflict can be handled in a respectful way that promotes understanding, growth, and connection. We can help ourselves and our children navigate these difficult years, generate compassion, and remain connected on the basis of common humanity.